Archive for February, 2010


On John Mayer, being a woman and other assorted oddities

You know, I still like John Mayer.  And here’s why.

The boy at least is willing to admit his faults.  He’s pretty honest about being a complete cad, and recognizes that maybe it’s not right.  He’s not exactly cloaking his douche-bagginess inside a shroud of fake sensitivity or chivalry.  You know, the kind of chivalry that ends up awkwardly on your doorstep, looking at you with ridiculous puppy-dog eyes, expecting to be let inside for a blow job.

For some reason, we are attracted to some people, and not others.  My particular brand of choice happens to be Asshole with a hint of Commitment Phobe.  In the past, this has veered into the territory of Emotionally Unavailable with a whiff of Sociopath, but now I’m trying to cut Asshole out of my diet altogether.  Maybe just a little Neurotic laced with some Narcissistic tendencies.

Then again, a friend the other night told me that I was the most commitment phobic person she knew, so what the hell do I know?

The point is, if John Mayer had said in his Playboy article that he wasn’t attracted to blondes, or Commitment Phobes, or women with Masters degrees, we probably never would have heard about this story.  How angry can we really get at someone who says they have a Benetton heart and a David Duke dick?   I have no doubt that the phrase “David Duke dick” will be in the Urban Dictionary within a week.

But I bet John Mayer wouldn’t stand outside my door, pretending to be chivalrous.  I bet he’d say something like, “I walked you home because I wanted a blow job, babe.”  Actually, in my head, he’s singing it in that strained, fake-Bluesy kinda voice.

I also think that John wouldn’t give a shit about what mortgage rate I’m getting for my new condo. 

Me:  I bought a condo!

Female Friends:  Wow, that’s great!  Do you love it?  Are you happy?

Male Friends:  How much did you pay?  Isn’t that a lot per square foot? What is the mortgage rate?  Why aren’t you going variable?  What’s the down payment?  Don’t you realize it’s the top of the market and you’re going to LOSE, LOSE, LOSE!?!

John Mayer:  Your body is a wonderland.  Can I have a blow job?


And the hits just keep on coming

You can’t always get what you want.

When we were children, my sister used to taunt me by singing this song.  I think she heard it on a K-Tel commercial, and so she only knew the one line.  She would sing it over and over, the same line.

You can’t always get what you want.

Love.  Excitement. Family.

Success.  Happiness. Security.

Money.  Adventure.  Glory.

Revenge.  Justice.  Peace.

We all want something.

You can’t always get what you want.

When the only thing you desperately want is to find the next handhold on the sheer cliff-face of life, you can’t imagine a day when you might be standing at the top of the mountain, wanting to scale the next peak up.

“Look how far I fell,” you think.  “Look how far I can fall.”

Wait, that’s not my voice.

You can’t always get what you want.

I don’t want to climb because I want to reach the summit, I want to climb because I want to feel alive.

I fell, and I survived.  There is no time to ponder why, only enough time to try to find the next handhold up.

You see, she never seemed to learn the rest of the chorus.

But if you try sometimes

You just might find

You get what you need