“He must be a nice man,” I tell myself. “He plays soothing classical music in his office.”
Lots to look at in here. Prescription pads. Referral pads. Requisitions.
Boxes of Botox.
There is a certificate on the wall declaring this doctor to be a qualified injector of Botox. I may be paraphrasing. A picture of a smiling woman with a very smooth forehead beams down from her perch next to a blood pressure machine.
Suddenly, he arrives.
“Have you been here before?” he asks without introducing himself.
“Uhhh, yes, but I haven’t seen you. I don’t really have a family doctor here anymore, I keep getting shuffled around…”
He ignores me and begins calling up information on the computer screen. “You saw Dr. X in January.”
“And you saw Dr. Y last week.”
“Yes, and I…”
“So why are you seeing me? What are you doing here?”
“Why are you here?” [Why are you bothering me?]
“Well, I still have the same problem that I did last week, and I didn’t want to wait to follow up on it.” [I was scared enough by your colleague’s pre-diagnosis of “gee, it might be nothing, or it could be cancer” to sit and wait an hour for a walk-in consultation, you pompous, motherf*cking as*hole.]
“Alright, here are the results, what do you want me to do about it?” [Just what I need, another hypochondriac walk-in patient. Maybe I can talk her into getting some Botox.]
“Uhh, well, I was kind of hoping that we could solve my health issue.” [I just thought I’d hop on the streetcar for an hour, miss work, to hang out and see how you’re doing. We could brush each other’s hair and giggle about boys. What the f*ck do you think I’m here for?!?]
“Very well, let’s check this out, then. Just lie down.” [I can’t believe I’ve gotten to the point where I’m sick of looking at half-naked women.]
“OK.” [I can’t believe I’ve gotten to the point where I just don’t care that I’m half-naked.]
[There is no stool, so I awkwardly hop/roll like a seal onto the examining table. I do not receive a tasty fish as a reward for my efforts. He examines.]
“It is probably just X. This is very common among young females.” [I blame women for their health issues.]
“I’ll take a sample, just to be sure. Oh wait, do you want a woman to be present?” [All women are crazy. You are a woman. Therefore, you are crazy.]
“No, I’m fine. Go ahead.” [Gird your loins, girl.]
[CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED]
[We are sitting at his desk. He is writing illegibly.]
“Maybe you want to go see Dr. Z. She specializes in ‘women’s health’.” [I just want to inject Botox into women.]
“Thanks, maybe I will.” [Yeah, f*ck you too, buddy.]