04
May
10

Why don’t they just go back to bloodletting?

“He must be a nice man,” I tell myself.  “He plays soothing classical music in his office.”

Lots to look at in here.  Prescription pads.  Referral pads.  Requisitions. 

Boxes of Botox.

“Oh.”

There is a certificate on the wall declaring this doctor to be a qualified injector of Botox.  I may be paraphrasing.  A picture of a smiling woman with a very smooth forehead beams down from her perch next to a blood pressure machine.

Suddenly, he arrives.

“Have you been here before?” he asks without introducing himself.

“Uhhh, yes, but I haven’t seen you.  I don’t really have a family doctor here anymore, I keep getting shuffled around…”

He ignores me and begins calling up information on the computer screen.   “You saw Dr. X in January.”

“Yes.”

“And you saw Dr. Y last week.”

“Yes, and I…”

“So why are you seeing me?  What are you doing here?”

“Excuse me?”

“Why are you here?” [Why are you bothering me?]

“Well, I still have the same problem that I did last week, and I didn’t want to wait to follow up on it.” [I was scared enough by your colleague’s pre-diagnosis of  “gee, it might be nothing, or it could be cancer” to sit and wait an hour for a walk-in consultation, you pompous, motherf*cking as*hole.]

“Alright, here are the results, what do you want me to do about it?” [Just what I need, another hypochondriac walk-in patient.  Maybe I can talk her into getting some Botox.]

“Uhh, well, I was kind of hoping that we could solve my health issue.” [I just thought I’d hop on the streetcar for an hour, miss work, to hang out and see how you’re doing.  We could brush each other’s hair and giggle about boys. What the f*ck do you think I’m here for?!?]

“Very well,  let’s check this out, then.  Just lie down.” [I can’t believe I’ve gotten to the point where I’m sick of looking at half-naked women.]

“OK.” [I can’t believe I’ve gotten to the point where I just don’t care that I’m half-naked.]

[There is no stool, so I awkwardly hop/roll like a seal onto the examining table.  I do not receive a tasty fish as a reward for my efforts.  He examines.]

“It is probably just X.  This is very common among young females.” [I blame women for their health issues.]

“I’ll take a sample, just to be sure.  Oh wait, do you want a woman to be present?” [All women are crazy.  You are a woman.  Therefore, you are crazy.]

“No, I’m fine.  Go ahead.” [Gird your loins, girl.]

[CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED]

[We are sitting at his desk.  He is writing illegibly.]

“Maybe you want to go see Dr. Z.  She specializes in ‘women’s health’.” [I just want to inject Botox into women.]

“Thanks, maybe I will.” [Yeah, f*ck you too, buddy.]

If you don't know what this is, I'm not explaining it to you.

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14 Responses to “Why don’t they just go back to bloodletting?”


  1. 1 Lisa b
    May 4, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    I am so the wrong person to be commenting here. YES THEY ARE ALL A**HOLES! IT IS TRUE.

    • 2 shoeboxdweller
      May 4, 2010 at 9:10 pm

      One day I will say “I knew her just before they locked her up.”

      Don’t worry, I will write to you everyday.

      xoxo

  2. May 4, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    I know what is and I’m so very sorry.

    Going through what I’ve been through, I am all too aware of the physicians that can be bothered to give a damn and the ones that just want to get to that last appointment and leave. Can anyone you know give you a better referral to someone else?

    • 4 shoeboxdweller
      May 4, 2010 at 9:14 pm

      Thanks, dear. If there’s something I’ve learned over time, it’s not to take shit from any doctor and keep asking and butting in until I get what I think I need.

      I pondered today over whether or not to just leave the clinic altogether, but I might take a chance on Doctor Z.

  3. 5 Marie
    May 5, 2010 at 9:23 am

    Um, if the guy is SO bothered by seeing what’s wrong with a patient to help them with whatever malady they have then I don’t know, MAYBE HE SHOULDN’T BE A DOCTOR?! What a rotten douchebag. You don’t deserve that.

    I hope you are well though hon.

    • 6 shoeboxdweller
      May 5, 2010 at 9:40 am

      I really enjoyed being asked what it was that I did to cause my problem. Because having spent three years in LAW SCHOOL, I would know, of course.

  4. 7 rondamarie
    May 5, 2010 at 9:37 am

    I’ve just been through 2 abnormal, ahem, “lady tests” and it is stressful and it is no fun at all waiting and wondering and trying to figure out what to do. I can only imagine how much more stressful it would be to not have a single doctor that you know and trust to help you through something like this. Luckily, I walked into a random doctors office and really liked the doctor and have stuck with her. I have yet another test in 3 months to see if anything has changed.

    My advice? Try to find a doctor you trust and feel comfortable with. For me it has always been a female doctor for female issues, maybe that would help.

    I hope you find a doctor that makes you feel comfortable and I hope everything turns out to be ok with you.

    • 8 shoeboxdweller
      May 5, 2010 at 9:42 am

      Yeah, I’ve had those abnormal lady tests too, and they are no picnic.

      Men would never put up with this. You know, if they actually went to the doctor on a regular basis.

  5. May 5, 2010 at 10:52 am

    I am so so sorry that you had to deal with a jackass like that. I guess bedside manner’s just non-existent anymore. I wish I could say that a female lady doctor would make it all better, but my last one was female and she was just brutal. Whereas, my current doc is an older Indian gentleman who likes to make jokes. It’s sometimes disconcerting, but mostly I love him.

    • 10 shoeboxdweller
      May 5, 2010 at 11:12 am

      I’ve had a few…interesting…female doctors too.

      If I had your doctor, I would just close my eyes and imagine myself in a Bollywood film. A weird, somewhat x-rated Bollywood film.

  6. May 5, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    Ugh, I loathe the OBGYN. Why, ohhh, WHY would anyone choose that line of medicine?!?!

    I mean, I guess we benefit from that choice. But in a really twisted, backwards, fucked up kind of way.

  7. May 5, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    Not having any practical experience in this area, all I can say is I hope you’re feeling better soon. Also, loved the cracks about men going to the doctor, x-rated Bollywood films and meeting women. At least you still have that sense of humor we’ve all come to love.

    • 14 shoeboxdweller
      May 5, 2010 at 4:05 pm

      I think there is at least one equivalent in the male world of health, but I won’t mention it here.

      *COUGH COUGH*

      I’m blushing from the kind words. Stop that, will ya?


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